I'm finding it quite hard to play at the moment, my brain is just not in gear and my concentration span is pitiful at best. It's not really poker related as things have been going well, I've played a bit today and am $1k up but I almost don't care. I am struggling to motivate myself at all and it's an effort to be smiley and happy, or or those who know me, to be my version of this state of being (cynical and grumpy).
I'm not particularly happy at the moment and I am struggling to put my finger on why. There have been a number of things going on over the last few months and I think I've just let things get on top of me a bit. Rather than enjoying life and taking the rough with the smooth I seem to be brooding on things and failing to allow any joy to penetrate my soul.
Luckily I am pretty sure that it is not my career choice or the life I lead alongside this as I actually rather like not having a job and having time to myself - sure I could spend it a lot more productively than I do and probably should BUT I rather like my lifestyle. I think I just need to make more effort with things in general to snap myself out of this as I genuinely like being active and doing lots of stuff but i do have a bad tendancy to get myself into long ruts where I fail to make the effort. This comes in a variety of forms from keeping in touch with friends or excercise right down to making the small efforts with Nat.
I've had my brother over for the weekend and it's quite sad but playing pro-ev actually gave me some spark as we get fairly competitive and unneccessarily OTT celebrations are the norm in the event of crucial last minute goals. There are few games where I see people go from smug elation to angry and miserable within a few minutes and it is entertaining. Also saw one of my close friends who I've not seen for a while and she is currently extremely happy which is great to see.
Sadly once they'd gone I no longer have to make any effort and at the moment that seems to be hugely negative for me as I drop in to a somewhat less than cheery individual.
It worries me when I feel sad as it's really not my normal state. I'm usually very content and cheerful inside (grumpy/cynical/sarcastic) is what everyone else will see! and I'm not used to prolonged periods of feeling down. I find it very difficult to snap myself out of it and I'm awful at letting people help and they tend to get their heads bitten off for having the temerity to be nice (sorry Nat).
I'm back to a stage where I am ready to move back into the 5-10 game and this should be exciting and a good thing for me but I really have very little passion at the moment so shall refrain from doing so until my mental state is somewhat improved.
Who knows I may wake up tomorrow and feel much better, it will go away as quick as that it's just a matter of when really. Who knows mayybe the prospect of playing Mario Galaxy on the Wii will help!!!
Steve
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