Don't feel like playing

I'v enever felt quite like this before. I almost acively want to do anything other than play poker. Not ideal when it is your occupation. I have no idea how to fix this as a winning session doesn't make me feel that much better and a losing one makes me feel that much worse. I think I'm going to take some more time completely away and see how I feel over the coming days. Not sure what I'll do with my time but anything will be better than playing.

Don't know what I want to play anymore when I am at the tables and am unconvinced by my ability at all forms of poker at the current time. I don't really know what else to say as my motivation has completely gone...

Steve

Can't handle it

That's how I feel. I don't know if I can continue to do this as my supposed living. I am a horrible horrible run of fortune and I'm really questionning my own ability massively right now. Sadly this is coupled with a deep questionning of whether I even want to do this any more. I start well after a week off and win $900 I've dropped $1400 over the past two days through some bad luck some bad play and it hurts.

It hurts really rather deeply and I seem to have lost my joy for the game entirely. Playing doesn't give me any pleasure, I don't really enjoy winning any more and I absolutely detest losing. This hurts!

I've had a really productive day and felt good and simply through playing I've managed to remove my previously upbeat temperment. This is not good. I know I can turn this around but I'm not even sure I want to any more - if I continue doing badly then I quit and go back to working for a living, at least that way I have more stability in my life even if the prospect does not thrill me.

When I started this is was fun, it was exhilerating and it was potentially lucrative. The first two of these have flown out of the window never to be seen again!. I have never ever had to try at anything in my life, academia was easy, job - easy, interviews, mortgage, day to day life - easy.

Poker fitted into this category as well when I had a job, I played, I won consistently over a very long period and life was good. It's different now and I'm not sure I like it very much.

Steve

Poor Play, Down Day

Lost some of my gains yesterday as I played below my best and made one or two questionable decisions. However you know it isn't your day where against people with 1/3 full stack you get all in pre flop holding AA, AA and KK and manage to lose all three. I lost against 88, JT and A7 - not going to lie to you it hurts when this happens.

I would appreciate a run of fortune as despite feeling calmer and happier with things I am still having crippling doubts about whether I really really want to do this and am not coping with down swings as well as I might. I'm still finding myself prone to idiocy of various sorts and it irritates me when I do stupid things for no good reason.

Away from poker I had a vaguely productive day yesterday as I sorted out a wonky curtain rail which had been like it since we moved in (over a year ago). this involved taking everything down, moving the wardrobe, polyfilling the holes and redrilling. Easy enough you may think! However this opinion would be restricted only to those who do not know how awful I am at any sort of manual labour - when I put my flat pack wardrobe together I managed to break it in the same place twice through some fine ingenuity.

Anyway this all went well, holes sorted brackets screwed back in and it looked neat and tidy. Excellent all I needed to do was move the wardrobe back, sadly this is where the problem began. The wardrobe sits in an alcove and is very close to the edge of the bracket when pushed in - I forgot this and guess what happened?

Obviously the beautifully affixed bracket was powered out of the wall by the might of the stupid f*ing wardrobe and I had to redo it. Grrr, one day I will successfully do something around the house in one go. Odds suggest it's bound to happen one day.

Steve

Game On

I've been absent from the tables for a week and I feel that it has done me a lot of good. It has given me a chance to relax, take stock and decide upon a plan of action to which I may actually stick. I have been getting way too emotionally involved in my results at the table and it has not been much fun being me throughout almost all of January.

However one week later I feel better able to cope with the ups and downs of the game and have reloaded my account to give an adequate bankroll for the levels I wish to play at for the next month.

Last time I went through a terrible run I made about $8k back in three weeks playing 2-4nl and 3-6nl with some good discipline. I know I can do it and will be attempting to rebuild at these stakes again. It is a level where I know I am a comfortable winning player and I'm not going to set any goals as to how much I'm looking to win. I'm just going to play well and let results take care of themselves. I'm pretty committed to playing at these stakes throughout february and see how things have gone at the end of the month.

Anyway I returned yesterday and played extremely solidly, I've found a couple of players who are very easy to steal from which helps when cards are not going my way. Anyway I won $900 during yesterday and it feels wonderful to be off to a good start.

Anyway things which will differentiate my play from previously will be apparant more away from the table than before.

• No individual sessions of longer than 2hrs and at least a 30min (preferably longer) break between sessions.
• Sensible sleeping patterns - up in the morning and in bed by 3am (exception next weekend for the superbowl though)
• Not feeling like I need to play at any point - no targets, no expectations just play when I want to within the above parameters
• Walking - Nat has started going for walks every evening and I need to join her or go during the day at least 5 times a week.
• Some live poker - I will be going this week, never played live in the UK before and it's quite exciting as a prospect. I'll probably play quite low first time and then move up to y online stakes once I'm comfortable with the surroundings etc.

Overall the strategy can be condensed to play less - win more as hopefully this will enable me to focus at all times and not get caught up in the game to the detrement of other things in my life.

I'm still not feeling great but I feel a huge amount better than I did a week ago and am satisfied that I am feeling strong enough to cope with whatever the game throws at me. Here's hoping for a better february.

Thanks to all who have commented on my blog during the last couple of weeks, the support and advice is much appreciated and hopefully we'll see evidence of me listening to some of it and improving my lifestyle accordingly.

Steve

Mauldlin Musings

I am very very depressed by my current situation. Because things have not been going well I have managed to deprive myself of sleep on a number of occasions which leads to me feeling even worse about everything. I feel completely helpless at the moment, I've lost more on the bounce before so it really isn't entirely that.

I'm depressed by how I seem to react to things since I took poker up as my living. When I was doing it part time alongside a full time job I was eager to play, took beats in good humour and genuinely cherished the time I had to play. Don't feel like that any more.

I don't know whether I can handle having to win - it doesn't matter if I know that I can, because I don't have a paycheck it means my results matter more, whereas before it was all bonus money now it is essential and holds a lot more importance, especially emotionally.

My primary reasons for getting into this were profitability and lifestyle. Thusfar both have been pretty poor. I struggle with the lifestyle because it is now my job - when it goes badly it eats away at me and because I have no actual job during the week it means that I can play whenever, think about it all the time and this is not a good situation for my brain to get into.

When I'm winning it is never enough and when I am losing it is always too much and it takes so little for me to start to feel negative or vulnerable. This is not what I want!

I've realised that I am absolutely at rock bottom now so have locked myself out for a week - after that I shall return play on and see if I can impose my regime and start enjoing it again. If not then we'll deal with that when we come to it.

If I was to predict right now I honestly believe I will quit playing for a living purely because I find it almost too hard to motivate myself to live a worthwhile and meaningful existence. This seems ridiculous but it's surprising how little I have bothered to do during the past few months. I have dvd's I haven't watched, books I haven't read, games I haven't played and ton and tons of other stuff I could enjoyably get on with... but I don't.

This just wasn't something I was concerned about - why would anyone actively not make the effort to make their lives as full and as enjoyable as possible?? Seems crazy but it is easier and often more appealing not to bother.

I've always known that there would be some major downs as well as ups however I am simply not dealing with them very well and that disturbs me, in fact I regularly make them worse and this leads to me feeling pretty worthless and stupid.

My game has and always will rely on patience and concentration, I feel like these have actually got worse since I could play whenever I like rather than having a job gettingn in the way.

If I do decide that this is just not for me at some point I won't have any regrets about doing this. It has come at a time in my career where I'd have left my previous job anyway and moved on to something new..sadly I don't really know what I'm looking for if I do decide to return to work.

It may be that I'l come back fully rested, looking forward to playing and on form. Still might not be enough though. The thing is you have to want to change things and make the effort and I've never been any good at this trying malarky - things either work for me or they don't. I'm not going to try to convince myself what I want either way.

Thinking through my time as a pro so far I'm unimpressed. Cash wise it's been ok, lifestyle wise it's been horrendous - obviously this is changeable but it takes a really strong will to rely on yourself every single day, to motivate yourself to be productive, to quit when you should and generally to have the emphasis entirely on yourself to impose structure, routine and pick yourself back up when things go badly. I don't know that I want to do this long term

I love the idea of playing for a living, I'm just not so sure that I enjoy the reality...

Steve

Plan of action

We'll see how long this lasts for but at least by writing it down in my blog I may feel slightly more compelled to stick to what I claim I will be doing.

Firstly I am going to switch back to omaha as I am deeply dispirited with nl holdem so a change is likely to be as good as a rest. As I'm changing to a more swingy game I'm going to play 1-2pl as money tends to change hands a lot lot quicker and this way the beats won't hurt quite as much.

Secondly I am going to enforce a schedule upon myself - no playing until 9pm and no playing past 3am. This (if I can stuck to it) will make sure that I play less when tired or disoriented and don't get up and ruin my day early on by playing bad losing poker. This will go hand in hand with my new schedule where I go to bed no later than 4am and get up no later than 12pm. This should be 11am -3pm most days with the odd exception. Hopefully by stopping myself from wasting entire days playing it will encourage me to do something positive with my life away from the tables. The starting point of which will be buying and reading the paper every day so it gets me out of the house, albeit briefly, and gets my mind thinking about other things.

Thirdly I am going to go and play some live poker in the UK. I'm going to go to Dusk till dawn at some point later on this week which will again forrce social interaction with people even though it will still be at a poker table.

Right that's the plan, it was the plan when I got up this morning and thought 'hey I know what'd be a good idea I'll play some poker despite being obviously tired'

Not only that but I had blocked myself from party so set up a new account at mansion to play - boy am I smart. Obviously I lost as it was just a stupid stupid idea, Maybe I'll stop doing these things soon, never know eh.

Anyway I'm going to try this and impose a regime upon my unwilling body and it should hopefully coincide with an upturn in fortune due to a happier mentality.

Steve

Changes Required

It's really not going well at the moment. I am very seriously debating my future - this has less to do with losing than it does with my lifestyle and how I have conducted myself over the past four months.

During the time I have been a pro I have won more than enough to cover living expenses/mortgage etc and generally be a reasonably successful player. Sadly I have not been at all happy with this and have made a series of hideous errors through my lifestyle.

I have failed to excercise enough which is frankly inexcuseable. I have overplayed when running badly and gotten myself increasingly stressed and frustrated. I have generally been slightly unpredictable to live with as my mood is linked to my performance at the poker table. When I am running awfully as at the moment I don't want to do anything and I mean anything. I don't want to cook, clean, eat, see people, excercise etc etc.

This is obviously not good. I also allow myself to get overtired and strung out and this leads to more mistakes.

Obviously this is not what I want from my choice of career. I know I am a winning player, that is a given. However I may not be strong enough to cope with not having a guaranteed income as bad runs have really really got to me in a big way.

Therefore it is obvious that if I am going to continue along this road in a successful manner I need to get my life in order. I have no desire to return to the world of work, that said if it turns out that I need the structure and social interaction that it brings then I will have to do so. I never disliked my job but it never really inspired or drove me - poker did that.

Now however that I am playing for my living it seems to have sapped the enjoyment somewhat and increased the stress which I feel!

So what am I going to do - bloody good question really!

1. Change my lifestyle to introduce a routine - bed no later than 3am and up by 11am latest, I will even set an alarm to ensure that this happens.

2. Draw a line under all losses this month and start over from my current bankroll of $2600 - 2-4nl until I either rebuild or alternatively bugger it all up.

3. Try to do something productive with my day until nat comes home which doesn't involve poker, clean, watch dvds, walk, shop whatever it may be just something to add some sort of value to my existence.

4. Re-evaluate my position in a month or so. If it isn;t working for me I will accept that and look for a job - I have no intention of letting this happen but if it isn't working for me for either lifestyle or monetary reasons then there is no point continuing.

I know I've not made the most of my last 4 months and desperately need to sort this out. Watch this space to see if I will.

Steve

I'm not enjoying this

And I don't just mean the bad run. So far since turning pro I have experienced the 2 worst runs of my poker life and am currently slap bang in the second of them. First one I dropped about $12k and then recovered through dropping down and playing smart. This time I'm about $8k down since the start of the month and literally every single thing I do is wrong.

I get in miles ahead - they hit, I play cautious they don't. My sessions which should be massive wins turn into small wins at best as I get sucked out on for huge pots. Every time I start over I lose more and this is usually through no fault of my own. I know how often things should hit and I know how horrendously I have run since turning pro. It upsets me a lot.

I am currently seriously debating whether this is right for me - I was winning more playing alongside working and was a damn side happier. I've so far failed to get into any good routine on a day to day basis. I'm letting losses disturb me far more than they should and at the moment anything seems like it would be better than this.

I am a winning player, I am a long time winning player and I am having my worst ever month - I've not had a losing month for well over two years - this will be one. And why, well I am not entirely blameless, far from it but I cannot help it if in the last three big pots I've played my equity has been $3.2k and I've got 0 - I can't compete with that, I'm either card dead or I get sucked out on. I almost prefer being card dead.

This current run is really bothering me as I have dropped stakes in sensible fashion - I have played a winnign game and yet my bankroll is tumbling, my confidnce is eroded and when every day starts with a huge loss you kinda lose your motivation to play any more.

I don't want to consider getting a job - doesn't motivate me. I don't want to fail at the one thing I've ever been truly passionate about and I think it is that which concerns me the most. This is what I want to do - I'm still well ahead since beginning in october, more than my salary too but it's no the point.

I am grumpy, sad, miserable even and it's entirely down to my poker - this really is not the idea. This said a couple of decent days and I'm sure I'll feel brighter it's just that I haven't fel this low before and when you get your mentality right every time before playing and then it bites you on the ass it is very hard to cope with. I've shown the last two times I've been in big pots in previous posts and there have not been any positive ones of this nature - how can I run so badly and why does it have to be happening at the time I can least afford it emotionally.

Reason and sense don't come into it any more. I've drawn a line under my losses, accepted what has gone and all I ask is some fairness from my time at the tables. Played 3-6nl earlier. 65- hands - should have AA, KK and QQ 3 times - got each once. Should have flopped at least one set - oh look I got none. It's not like I'm asking much, just the chance to have a hand every so often

God I'm depressed

Steve

I have just smashed things

look at this and tell me I don't run fucking horrendous - 2 big pots today 5 outs and 7 outs all in on turn and both fucking hit


***** Hand History for Game 6693133243 *****
$600 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Wednesday, January 16, 11:40:55 ET 2008
Table Table 125441 (No DP) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Total number of players : 9
Seat 3: eventhea ( $667.15 USD )
Seat 4: ahlschou ( $618.15 USD )
Seat 7: ABZoR ( $108 USD )
Seat 9: pauldasilva ( $65.63 USD )
Seat 2: PerilPenguin ( $497 USD )
Seat 1: AMSTERDAM691 ( $280.77 USD )
Seat 8: DaGrimR3aper ( $603.75 USD )
Seat 10: hinderk111 ( $251.65 USD )
Seat 5: al57lz93 ( $191.74 USD )
PerilPenguin posts small blind [$3 USD].
eventhea posts big blind [$6 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to PerilPenguin [ Ks Kc ]
ABZoR folds
ahlschou calls [$6 USD]
DaGrimR3aper folds
hinderk111 calls [$6 USD]
AMSTERDAM691 calls [$6 USD]
PerilPenguin raises [$27 USD]
eventhea calls [$24 USD]
ahlschou calls [$24 USD]
hinderk111 calls [$24 USD]
>You have options at Table 125517 Table!.
marmeladova has joined the table.
AMSTERDAM691 calls [$24 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 5s, 2d, Ts ]
PerilPenguin bets [$86 USD]
eventhea calls [$86 USD]
ahlschou calls [$86 USD]
hinderk111 folds
>You have options at Table 125517 Table!.
AMSTERDAM691 folds
** Dealing Turn ** [ 9h ]
PerilPenguin checks
eventhea checks
ahlschou bets [$194.98 USD]
PerilPenguin is all-In [$381 USD]
>You have options at Table 125517 Table!.
eventhea folds
ahlschou calls [$186.02 USD]
** Dealing River ** [ Th ]
ahlschou shows [ Tc, 8h ]three of a kind, Tens.
PerilPenguin doesn't show [ Ks, Kc ]two pairs, Kings and Tens.
ahlschou wins $1,167 USD from the main pot with three of a kind, Tens.

Life bites

Yet again

First large pot of the day all in with 3's over J's and he rivers a Q one of 7 outs to win the pot after it went all in on the turn. How on earth am I meant to win when everything I do right works out like this - it's about 10 days in a row this has happened now and every single time I've been way ahead.

So very very depressing

Starting Afresh

I need to remember what my aims are from playing poker for a living. The main question I need to ask myself is a very simple one

Why do I do this?

There are a multitude of answers to this and all of them help to remind me why getting stressed by short term results is stupid and not really conductive to helping me be successful

So the answers to the question are as below, not in any order by the way.

1. Because I know I will earn a larger amount from playing poker than I would through a standard job and it is certainly the only way I could ever become truly wealthy (this doesn't really matter but success in poker is judged by profits so it's not a bad way of keeping score)

2. Because I am proud of the fact that I can live by my wits and ability and enjoy the challenge on a daily basis

3. So I have the time available to do what I want with my life and don't have to deal with the hassles of a real job. Work has never been a driving force in my life and this career is far far preferable to any job I may ever have.

4. It is the only area where I have ever displayed any ambition. I cruised through school and uni, never struggled in jobs I had and generally took it fairly easy and was on autopilot throughout. I can't do this so much with poker, I have to try, I have to improve and I have to set targets and goals. These are all positive things and when I have my head on straight all give my life some focus and meaning.

5. Because I love the fact I am doing something away from the norm. I like being different and whether I make it work or not I will never ever regret giving myself the opportunity to see if I can make it work for me. I think this will ultimately come down to livestyle rather than profitability - I still have a long way to go to make the lifestyle work for me.

6. When I settle down and have kids I want to be in a position to give them all my time and poker will certainly allow this - can play when I like!


I know I've been whinging in my recent posts, I know I've let myself get down and stressed but long-term I know that it is just something I will have to accept is going to happen from time to time. I like all long term players have bounced back many times and undoubtably will do so again.


Steve

Life hates me

So I am fed up and I decide to play some 5-10nl, not necessarily the best thing to do but then I am a successful player at those stakes. Anyway I have JJ and flop is JT2 two diamonds. I raise the cont bet from player A and he goes all in vreating a $2k pot. He has AA and rivers a fucking A, this is such a massive setback. I know I shouldn't have been playing there but this is just typical of my recent fortune - 8% chance screws me out of $2k it feels wonderful, he didn't even have a diamond which makes it so much worse.

I'm fed up of January, this has been a shit month and I've had enough, this is making me miserable and grumpy and it's just ridiculous, why do bad things happen all the time to me. Oh yeah this was the start of another day - shock horror massive suckout. I honestly wonder whether I'm jinxed at times I just seem to have appalling luck. I am sure it all levels out overall but in the big pots (the ones which actually matter) I seem to run absolutely awfully, I haven;t got all in in that good a position and won often enough for a $2k pot for that loss to be justifiable.

I have been killing myself over the past few days playing for 8+hours and really working hard and it's all been for bugger all as usual. I haven't had a single quality day for over 2 months at poker. Anything over 2.5 buyins at 5-10 I would regard as good and I don't believe I've had one. I know how good I get my money in and this run I've been on just defies belief. I'm so so miserable right now, I want to cry from frustration but can't. I want to not play poker but I can't really do that. I especially want to reload and have a decent amount in my poker account but if I do this it could be a terrible downward spiral if I keep losing like this and I couldn't handle that.

I have a massive urge to reload, it is almost too much to not do but I have promised myself I won't put myself through anything like that again, not after the debacle at omaha which resulted from the single worst run of fortune I'm ever likely to encounter.

Looking at the whole thing from a more coherent and calm perspective it doesn't really matter - I take a day off start over and grind my way back playing 2-4 and 3-6, I have plenty of finance to see me through but it's just not the point really. I am letting myself get stressed, I started this bad run for myself but now it seems that I just keep getting dealt into hands where I have to go bust assuming my opponent play like idiots which it seems they all do.

I hate whinging about my fortune but I really have nothing else to do at the moment, this is eating me up inside and I think I'm going to record my first losing month for over two years which I am not overly impressed by. I think I'm about $6k down for the month so far and unless my fortune turns around it is unlikely to be undone. I'm 6 buy ins at 2-4 from playing some 5-10 and then I need to win over 3 buyins there to get back to where I was when I came home in such a positive and happy place after new year.

I'm fantastic at ruining my day to day existence, it's like a specialty. I don't deserve this and it would be nice to experience a positive run again.

Anyway after a day off I shall have to resume and restrict myself with a bit more stringency to 2-4nl and 3-6nl.

Hope you all have a good day and even if it sucks, trust me I'm feeling worse

Steve

Rebuilding is hard

especially when the first pot of any significance you play each day results in a $400-$600 pot where I get sucked out on when it's all in - very very depressing as it is happening every day.Not much you can do when you get it all in pre AA vs KK and lose though. It's just a really negative way to begin.

My bankroll is currently at $4250 which is okish but shows no particular progress and I am finding this hard going, no sooner do I get ahead than something harsh happens. Ah well at least I am ahead over the past few days so I'll console myself with that

Steve

Hooray for some fortune

And we're back in a more positive frame of mind. I've kept my composure well today although have been absolutely seething inside and let my frustration get the better of me when talking to Nat (not easy to live with a poker player). Anyway I've kept plugging away at the 3-6nl table and have taken my original buyin up from $600 to over $2k.

It always seems to be the way, I drop to 2-4 and 3-6 and despite playing much much more 2-4 due to the availability of tables I win far more at 3-6nl. I don't know why but this game just seems to fit me better and I have a much much higher win rate at it.

Anyway my table roll grew quickly as I flopped top set on a Q62 flop where I'd raised pre and because there was virtually no danger I decided to check and allow a free card. I very rarely do this as you only get in trouble slow playing and often it makes it far easier to put you on the set than when you lead out. Imagine my surprise when one of the two caller pushed all in for $550, I said thanks and scooped the pot against his Q2. Poor play from him and I was a gateful recipient.

Anyway then this hand came up.I was holding 67 in the blinds and the flop came a very kind 345 rainbow. As I said before, often the best way to disguise true strength is to lead out so I duly did so and got two callers of my $18 bet. Turn came a hideous 3 and I decided to check and see where I stood. First player led out $50, I called and then the last player bet all in for over $700!!!

http://www.pokerhand.org/?1931370

Original better folded and I have a huge decision to make. He could quie easily have me beat here but realistically if you had been holding a set or two pair and had just filled up would you make that bet. I thought through the whole hand and decided that his most likely holding was A3 giving him a straight draw too.

With heart in mouth I made the call and hoped I was right and wasn't about to be sucked out on. $1550 pot and my day ressurected was the result.

Steve

Back to the start

It has been a very painful hour as I have been sucked out on in big pots when way ahead - when someone pushes $300 into a $30 pot when you are holding KKK you ar entitled to believe that maybe they shouldn't hit the straight! That incident made me feel a bit tilted but I continued to play well only to hit a flop of 44K when in the big blind with A4 and proceed to get someone comitted in a $800 pot only for them to hit the 8 to nail their fine hand of 48 a winner.

I am so very pissed off, I've played fine, been in winning situations and got completely screwed. Wouldn't matter if I wasn't trying to rebuild but it feels like an absolute hammer blow as my bankroll has now gone back to $3350 an I've lost 1k which I had worked so hard to gain in the first place.

Sometimes poker is a really cruel game and all my motivation and drive has evaporated as it now feels like there is just no point to the long hours and dedication I've been putting in.

It's now a long long way back especially with luck like I seem to have - I dream of the day where everything goes right as I've not had one of those for over a month now, even when I was cruising at 5-10nl my best day was nearly 2 buy-ins. I'm due some good fortune and now I'm going to have to restart and try to get my mindset straight again.


Steve

Continued Recovery

Well my game is looking a lot more robust at the moment as I have maintained my discipline and as always, when I do this I am usually successful. Not a great day however as I repeatedly got cold decked - KK vs AA against a mid stack is almost impossible to escape from and I certainly wasn't about to buck this trend. My luck with AA and KK was extraordinarily bad as 3 times in a row people flopped sets against me - guaranteed losses which I managed to keep to a minimum as I only lost about $100 on each one which is mighty fine play.

Anyway after a poor start a sound period of play has seen me in profit by a whopping $100 for the day - woohooo!!! Anyway not much action today as only 2 tables of full ring at 2-4nl were available so I'm off to bed as a good nights sleep is essential to ensure continued intelligent play tomorrow.

I did feel myself itching to tilt today after the 3 flopped sets against me but I managed to control my tilt reflex extremely well and was very pleased with my restraint given recent events at the tables for me!

Steve

Totally Focussed

I've had a good day. Long long session overnight of approximately 8hrs where I have made absolutely zero loose calls either pre or post flop. This has been my major problem of late and it feels good to have put in an effective and smart session of play.

By loose calls I mean absolutely any bet which I wouldn't normally call, even for a single blind. By removing these back out of my game I have saved a lot of bets and therefore when I do hit big hands or good situations my pots are all profit rather than the start of a recovery from negative positions which I have got myself into. This is how I play and this is how I win, it's not showy but it is damn controlled and it is amazing how much these small savings add up to.

Anyway I promised to maintain updates on my bankroll so that is what I am going to do, all the profits have been at 2-4nl and I'm about 2.5 buy-ins up. Hoorah for this and the positive effect it has on my mentality towards the game.

Starting roll = $3350
End Roll = $4250

Target $6500 (where I get to spend my hard earned cash on stuff I want)

The first tentative steps of recovery have been taken

Steve

Creating a reason to play

Due to my lack of form I am struggling with my motivation and ability to maintain serenity whilst playing leading to stupid stupid calls when I am certain I am behind etc. I think I have now blown through $6k since the new year - well done eh! Therefore I think I need to provide myself with some treats to look forward to when my bankroll reaches certain levels.

For christmas the last couple of years Nat has bought me some high quality wooden games - chess and fox & geeese. There is a marvellous site www.mastersgames.com which sells handmade wooden games and it is these which I would like to get a few more of.

So my current Party Poker Bankroll is $3300 and I am reduced to playing 2-4nl but in order to provide some motivation I am going to treat myself when I reach $6500 - this should take maybe a couple of weeks depending on how well/badly I'm playing, anyway my plan is to give session by session updates on my play and bankroll.

Oh yeah I have now managed to screw $2k today playing when tired and frustrated - I hate myself sometimes I really do. I have got to get my head sorted again as I cannot continue like this.

I was so excited to get back to play and royally buggered it up immediately however the extra 3k I've now dropped is really my own fault.

Steve

My last 24 hrs

My day has involved a lot of poker most of it sucking. I played for about 9 hrs straight last night with small breaks and ended up winning a couple of buy ins at 2-4. Fantastic a winning session so starting today in a fine mood I have played some 2-4nl and some 2-4 omaha, first thing which happens is I lose a $850 pot where I push in as a 60-40 favourite. Great, that hurt so much as becuase I am on a shocking run of results I dwell on the fact that my bankroll goes to $3600 rather than $4400 - BIG BIG difference in terms of my mentality. I have then gone on to lose some more and hence all my good work has been destroyed.

I am so low at the moment, I have little tilt control and am letting poor results really bother me and this then leads to appalling play. So I am taking the next 24hrs of and will resume then. My play when I have bad runs is so crap and it takes ages to get back to where I want to be as I keep making things worse and dwelling on stuff. Surely I should be beyond this by now...

Depressed, fed up and not looking forward to resuming the grind at crappy low stakes where I find it harder to win

Steve

Hard work

It's hard work playing poker for a living when you start losing. Whatever period it lasts for I find that my confidence dips and I start questionning my game. I find that I start attaching ridiculous amounts of importance on each session and each table. Winning becomes far more vital and losing a buy in or two starts to feel devastating.

I've begun playing 2-4 and 3-6 and it hasn't started well, I'm a buy in down which in the grand scheme of things is totally meaningless BUT it doesn't feel like that it weighs me down like a millstone around my neck.

I've been through downswings on countless occasions and all for a variety of reasons - shhocking misfortune in big pots, tired play from me and out and out tilt.

I've found that the worst feelings always come when I myself am responsible for the situation, if it's misfortune I can handle that - unless I compound it by breaking my bankroll requirements and playing games which I shouldn't be.

I have big goals from poker and since turning pro I seem to continuously shoot myself in the foot and haven't had any period where I can make assumptions of my profitability from the game. I need to build a roll and stay at 5-10nl and be able to ride these bumps, sadly I keep screwing up, sure I make a decent living but I seem to be intent on making it as difficult as I can and introducing the largest possible amount of stress and irritation into my life.

I need to remember why I play, what my goals are and then just not make stupid mistakes. I have never pretended to be an exceptional player - I'm not, however I am very good at making the right decision in each situation. I play a very tight game where I throw some bluffs in at opportune moments. I don't get stacked often as I'm very adept at getting off hands and not putting myself in danger. Therefore when I do start to make errors it really impacts my bottom line and it bothers me that I still do this.

I doubt I will ever stop tilting entirely or doing stupid things from time to time, the goal is to maximise the time between them so it isn't an issue very often and then nipping it in the bud early when things do go wrong.

Steve

Happy New Year...Please Take my money

I am currently in the depths of self-loathing. I hate myself and the way I have conducted myself over the past couple of days. I've blown $4k which in itself is fine but it is the manner in which I've done it

$1k playing 10-20 3 handed - why oh why would i do this?
$650 playing 2-4 6 handed - again not my area of expertise and the result o tilt
$1.1k with AK vs AA where I should have got away pre flop but was tired

The rest in calling out of line pre flop and ignoring my usually solid poker play.

Why have I done this - frustration?, eagerness to get on with winning? I honestly don't know but I am hugely pissed off with myself. I have had no need to do this and could and should be at least level over the last few days.

I apparently have a self-destruct button which I have accidentally pressed. I am now stressed, angry and lacking in self respect. Brilliant, well done me, a great start to the new year.

SO I am again having to drop down to 2-4nl as I refuse to play 5-10 any more until I have relearnt discipline. This will be great fun for me as I hate playing 2-4nl and have been consistently winning at 5-10.

My aim is 8 buy ins at 2-4nl full ring and then i'll move back up. this may take a week but as long as I get my head back on and decide to play smart again it'll be fine.

Why oh why do I seem to want to sabotage all my efforts?? answers on a postcard please

Steve

It would seem I will never learn

To come off when I am tired. Or rather more importantly not to start in the first place. It is so difficult for me to do. I am in essence a compulsive gambler, I have looked at various junctures at the 20 warning signs and I think I tick about 8 of them. Now this may sound bad but when they include things such as

* Have you ever gambled longer than you intended
* Have you ever struggled to sleep due to gambling

It becomes apparant that perhaps the majority of serious poker players are going to have a large frequency of ticks against many of these traits. I know I have a compulsion to gamble, I don't miss it when it is unavailable to me BUT when I have nothing better to do poker is my first thought as I enjoy it and I expect to win. The more serious problems come when you let in affect your relationships and work if you are in employment.

Anyway I came back from Stirling and my first insinct was to play poker - I'd been on a train for over 8hrs I was obviously tired and should have known better but I just couldn't help myself. I know this is when I make mistakes, it's happened often enough but I made both the errors listed above - I gambled longer than I should as I was behind and ended up losing a really stupid pot where I had AK hit the flop K high and despite having a good idea he had AA or KK pre flop I failed to act on this and got stacked. In fact had I been more alert I would have folded to his overly large pre-flop bet as I was out of position. Then problem two followed as I spent a couple of hours thinking about what a prat I am before falling asleep.

I hate making elementary mistakes, it drives me crazy and I do think about it a lot when it happens. However this is probably a good thing as it lengthens the time between doing them again. I make errors in judgement when tired - I chase, I call where I wouldn't and undoubtably I become a losing player.

I will drill this information into my reluctant brain but sadly it still has not yet stuck.

Ah well it's all part of the rich learning curve of life I guess

Steve

Back to the tables

I've had a decent break over the last few days as I've spent new year in stirling with our friends Lynne and Pete. No internet so no poker which is definitely a good thing as I've enjoyed the enforced break.

Still I'm back now so must resume making a living, I'm going to set out some goals for the new year so I can think about and define what I actually want to get out of poker this year - that'll be done tomorrow as it gives me some time to muse. Anyway this means that I'll be back to posting more regularly.

Happy new year

Steve