I'm not enjoying this

And I don't just mean the bad run. So far since turning pro I have experienced the 2 worst runs of my poker life and am currently slap bang in the second of them. First one I dropped about $12k and then recovered through dropping down and playing smart. This time I'm about $8k down since the start of the month and literally every single thing I do is wrong.

I get in miles ahead - they hit, I play cautious they don't. My sessions which should be massive wins turn into small wins at best as I get sucked out on for huge pots. Every time I start over I lose more and this is usually through no fault of my own. I know how often things should hit and I know how horrendously I have run since turning pro. It upsets me a lot.

I am currently seriously debating whether this is right for me - I was winning more playing alongside working and was a damn side happier. I've so far failed to get into any good routine on a day to day basis. I'm letting losses disturb me far more than they should and at the moment anything seems like it would be better than this.

I am a winning player, I am a long time winning player and I am having my worst ever month - I've not had a losing month for well over two years - this will be one. And why, well I am not entirely blameless, far from it but I cannot help it if in the last three big pots I've played my equity has been $3.2k and I've got 0 - I can't compete with that, I'm either card dead or I get sucked out on. I almost prefer being card dead.

This current run is really bothering me as I have dropped stakes in sensible fashion - I have played a winnign game and yet my bankroll is tumbling, my confidnce is eroded and when every day starts with a huge loss you kinda lose your motivation to play any more.

I don't want to consider getting a job - doesn't motivate me. I don't want to fail at the one thing I've ever been truly passionate about and I think it is that which concerns me the most. This is what I want to do - I'm still well ahead since beginning in october, more than my salary too but it's no the point.

I am grumpy, sad, miserable even and it's entirely down to my poker - this really is not the idea. This said a couple of decent days and I'm sure I'll feel brighter it's just that I haven't fel this low before and when you get your mentality right every time before playing and then it bites you on the ass it is very hard to cope with. I've shown the last two times I've been in big pots in previous posts and there have not been any positive ones of this nature - how can I run so badly and why does it have to be happening at the time I can least afford it emotionally.

Reason and sense don't come into it any more. I've drawn a line under my losses, accepted what has gone and all I ask is some fairness from my time at the tables. Played 3-6nl earlier. 65- hands - should have AA, KK and QQ 3 times - got each once. Should have flopped at least one set - oh look I got none. It's not like I'm asking much, just the chance to have a hand every so often

God I'm depressed

Steve